They say there are some things you cannot really prepare for before actually experiencing them.  For me one of those things is motherhood.  I have been dreaming about becoming a mother ever since I can remember, taking up liven nanny jobs in different countries during my university years. It certainly was for me one of the motives for becoming a psychologist too. Having four kids in 4,5 years including twins I can say motherhood is quite a journey and it is a curvy road to understanding your own self, childhood memories and strength during challenging times. Resilience is an ability to adapt to difficult situations and on the motherhood path there are many of them.

Taking care of your own kids 24/7 and being a nanny are very different concepts when it comes to understanding your own resilience.

Many new mothers often contact me that they feel drained and do not know how to enjoy motherhood more. As they do not feel joyful, they might feel guilty because they think they should feel grateful for becoming a mother. Of course, they are actually grateful but they are tired, sleep deprived, going through intense hormonal changes and do not realize that just their own self care is the only way how to feel joy and enthusiasm while being responsible for a new life.

It took me a few years to really grasp the fact that motherhood feels like a sinusoidal curve when one moment you feel so happy and grateful and in a few minutes/hours/days you can feel desperate and overwhelmed.

Yes, motherhood can be exhausting and we should not beat ourselves up and strive for perfection.  Our mental health always comes first.

There are some things that have helped me along the way to enjoy my motherhood journey more:

Realizing how you react in stress- When we feel well, we can be calm, focused and be our best selves. However, when we are permanently taking care of others, our basic needs might not be often fulfilled. You cannot give from your cup, if your cup is empty. Children‘  s wellbeing is linked to our mood and children do not copy behaviour we tell them to do, they copy what they see us doing. So if we ask them to be calm and not to scream when something does not work out, the example we set in similar situation is very essential.

When you take care of yourself, your whole family benefits from it. This is your real priority, do not underestimate your own self-care. Think of the ways how to recharge yourself.  I know some of your past favourite activities cannot be done right now but you can take up new hobbies instead. I adored travelling before having kids, however thanks to maternity leave I discovered gardening and being outdoors taking care of plants is my passion now.

Regular physical activity even in minimal amount of time really helps,. I know what you are might be thinking: when you clean and tidy all the time you are moving but  getting out of the house and fresh air really makes the difference. It might feel counterintuitive too, because after a long day chasing kids, you just want to lay down and rest. However, any physical activity will energize your spirit and you will feel better. I tried running in the past, but I always got discouragesd because I did not really enjoy it. During the quarantine I started fast walking for 90 minutes with a friend couple of nights per week and I am hooked. When you are enjoying company of someone, and you can exercise then your mindset changes too. Moreover, it does not need cost anything.

Plan your self-care. Do not let it just happen when there might be an opportunity of time, because there might never be time till you make it and plan it. Verbalize your needs and plans to function well with your partner to prioritize your self-care. However, I know everyone’s family situation and support is different.

When you do not have a good day, think about things you already managed.  Negative thoughts and emotions are not stable, they can change. During these days it might help if you think of situations that were not easy in the past but you found a way to cope with them. Maybe it was tough pregnancy, hormonal changes, breastfeeding battles or hard time adjusting to a new baby as a couple. Remind yourself you managed and survived. And now you are more experienced and you are growing constantly as a person and as a mother.

Incorporate small joyful moments in your day; things like calling a friend, putting on a face mask, stroll in the garden or reading a book. These tiny choices should be really conscious and not random, because there will always be something that needs to be done.

Find a support system. It is so nice if you can spend these very first years of motherhood and laugh at up and downs with like-minded mums, someone who you can share with activities for children and actually enjoy their company too.

Give yourself reasons to be happy now. Please, do not postpone your own happiness and do not think you can be happier and more content once your baby starts walking, talking, attending a kindergarten or anything you think of that might bring your more peace and less challaenges because all stages needs adjusting and your open mind.

Cherish ordinary days. Before having kids, I always looked for excitement, I lived for special days, trips, meetings etc. Motherhood helped me to realize that ordinary days with stroll and quiet evening reading to healthy kids can be as joyful as anything more exciting.

I know dear mama, you do everything you can while trying to stay sane, so please be kind to yourself and credit yourself for this hard work because days are long but years are short and it is so bittersweet but once we will miss these very long chaotic days so, please give yourself a reason to feel the joy now.