Intimacy, for some of us it comes easily and for others it is a really difficult concept to grasp. After all, to be intimate is to be vulnerable and is the security that comes from allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. To allow others close to us and to truly see and accept us, as intimacy affords, is to show them all of us - warts and all and know that those feelings remain, regardless of what we deem to be our negative traits or the darkness inside us. It is to share our dreams and ideas with someone without judgment and so it is no wonder that some people fear intimacy. This doesn’t mean that they don’t want it. In fact, people who are scared of intimate connections are often actually scared of being hurt or rejected (feelings we can all empathise with) and tend to distance themselves from others in a bid to protect themselves. They do this in many ways such as withholding affection, becoming agitated with physical closeness, looking for faults in others, experiencing paranoia and so on.

Many who struggle with intimacy don't often realise that this is an issue for them. They form a belief that this is how they have always been or justify the feelings to themselves by blaming others.  These feelings can be an issue throughout life and can cause you to struggle to maintain healthy relationships or engage in risky sexual behaviour, avoiding relationships as a way to avoid intimacy. Some people fear intimacy to extremes choosing substance abuse and/or to isolate themselves from any social situation, fearing all relationships with family and friends as well as lovers.  This can even affect a person’s professional life, as most careers are built upon professional working relationships and will include an element of intimacy to allow these to work effectively.

As well as asking for help through therapy and medical professionals with a fear of intimacy, you can help yourself by practicing empathy. Empathy is a trait that many with intimacy struggle with as it fosters vulnerability and closeness. Try asking what others are feeling and instead of getting defensive try to acknowledge your part in that feeling and think of how you can help. This can be really helpful but take it slowly as will be out of your comfort zone and may feel a little scary too.

Active listening is another helpful skill that can be beneficial in many areas of life. Truly listen and show interest in others, asking questions and continuing conversation based upon their answers. This shows genuine interest.

Avoiding intimacy may seem like the easiest and obvious route to take to avoid negative emotions but it also robs of you many rewarding life experiences.  Try taking small steps to get you out of your comfort zone, ask for help and allow yourself to feel how fulfilling intimate relationships can be.

PS. If you want some more guidance and to ponder the big questions in life, why not check out the Philosopher-in-Residence series. Our, every fortnight on a Thursday, and written by the lovely Anna Pascoe, our Principal planner here at Make Me A Plan. You can take a peek at the latest edition here: https://makemeaplan.com/news/on-meekness/