Admit it… We’ve all done it.  Doom-scrolling through Facebook or Instagram, seeing post after post of bottomless brunches, exotic holidays, perfectly behaved children and grand romantic gestures from partners.  Or if it’s not social media, it’s the work colleague who always seems to have it together, with a carefully prepared packed lunch and perfectly ironed outfit every day.  Or it’s that girl at the gym, who seems to have a different, matching crop top and leggings every class.  Wherever we look, it can seem that everyone else is living the perfect life, while we’re struggling to remember to remove Monday’s dirty lunch fork from our work bag, even though it’s now Thursday.

When comparing our lives to others, we can engage in either upwards or downwards comparison.  When comparing upwards, we perceive that our own lives or abilities don’t measure up to whoever we’re comparing to.  When comparing downwards, we perceive that the reverse is true.  Depending on your personality, you probably engage in one kind of comparison more than the other.  If you found yourself identifying with the first paragraph of this post, it’s likely that upwards comparison is more your style (it’s definitely mine).  Although this can be a difficult habit to break, by being aware of it you can at least look out for it and give yourself a quick reality check when you find yourself slipping into it a bit too much.

Have you ever looked through that perfect colleague’s bag, for example?  For all you know it could literally be full of old forks.  Or maybe the reason the girl at the gym has a new outfit for every class is that she never does any laundry.  Obviously, these are extreme examples, but think about the last post you made on social media.  I bet you didn’t mention your own dirty fork, did you?  You probably posted about an evening out with your friends, or maybe your Parkrun time.  The version of our lives we present to the outside world is usually not representative of what’s happening on the inside.  Unless we know someone really well, we probably won’t see the work they put into their achievements.  We won’t see the chaos on either side of the perfect Instagram post.

All this isn’t to say that comparison is inherently bad.  Studies by psychologists have found that, on average, around 10% of our thoughts centre around comparisons to others.  There is even a theory built around the idea, Social Comparison Theory, which suggests that we determine our personal worth based on how we perceive we compare to others.  It’s just important to ensure we’re engaging in mindful comparison and being realistic about how we actually match up to our peers.  Your life is full of different opportunities and commitments to those of the people around you.  Maybe the reason your work shirt is looking a bit creased is because it came straight out of your gym bag after yoga this morning.  Or maybe you just felt too tired after a busy day to iron it properly.  Both of those reasons are valid, and don’t make you less of a functional adult than the person who looks a bit more put together.

As with a lot of things in life, the key to mindful comparison is really just to ensure you’re being kind to yourself, and to others.  If you find yourself engaging in harmful comparison, try to take a step back and consider the bigger picture.  Try making a list (either mentally or on paper) of all the things you’ve got going on in your life that you’re proud of.  Even if they seem small.  You’ll probably be surprised at how much you’re currently achieving.  As for being kind to others?  Maybe we could all try to be a bit more honest about what our inside lives look like, dirty forks and all.