So, I’m writing this blog post to give you an awareness and understanding of my struggles from when I was a child, to the present day with my battles of mental health and to give you an understanding of me as a person and why I decided to set up Males Allowed.  I hope this helps you, or anyone that may be reading this and please do share to anyone who may benefit….

So, about me, Paul; I was brought up by my parents in Plymouth, in a broken and emotional home. My parents struggled to raise me for many reasons.  The main things that I can remember about being a child are; that I was not loved in the way I should have been or that I deserved to be loved, nor was I accepted as a son by my parents - which any child deeply craves and needs. I was often told that I ‘wasn’t planned’, that I was a ‘problem child’, a ‘failure’, and told I was ‘worth nothing’.  To experience this when I was growing up was understandably damaging for myself and this affected me not only at home, but also in school and in my social environments.

My mother protected me, she was the wall between myself and my father.  My father was abusive, in every way and had control over everything, over money, emotions and so much more.  We went without good healthy food, heating and all that a stable, loving, home would need.  The money and income would be used to fuel his alcohol addiction/pleasure and we went without.  As a result, I was small, gaunt child and behind in every aspect of my development.  My education suffered, my friendships with my peers suffered and I was often alone and in isolation, being locked in my bedroom for long periods after school and weekends. This of course caused poor emotional and mental health within me.

There would be times, even at my young age, I’d exhibit natural survival skills.  I would pinch money from my mother’s purse every Monday of each week when her giro payment was due, so I could sneak to the local shops to stock up on bread, biscuits and anything else that would last me through the week ahead.  This would be stored under my bed and would keep me going.  In the absence of nutritious food, I would often eat crisp sandwiches and cakes.  This survival instinct kicked in naturally at an early age.  I look back to this day with both pride and shock at the initiative and awareness I had at such a young age to achieve this. 

I would often set my alarm clock for 4am, when I would walk the streets where I lived and pinch milk from doorsteps and even take clothes off neighbours’ garden clothing lines.  As I write this I still feel deep regret about it, but feel that I had to do this, to stay alive; to have ‘decent clothing’ so I could avoid even more bullying at school and to have milk to drink to give me the nutrition that was very much needed. 

I was bullied in secondary school and this affected me badly - and I mean badly. I was always the black sheep, always the one that sat in the corner within a sport activity or drama play.  I refused to get changed in the changing rooms for football matches at school due to the abuse at home. I experienced trauma and abuse from home and now at school too.  I often came into school with black eyes, grazes on my arms and so much more, but nobody approached me or noticed.  I deeply wished at that time, somebody would notice and ask if I was ok, that someone would save me, but this never happened, and I was too afraid to speak out.  I could not concentrate at school, I couldn’t sustain friendships and felt that I suffered in silence in every way.

It was one summer’s day at around 5pm when my father started his normal behaviour of abuse towards me.  I was 13 and actually answered back this time. I asked my father emotionally to stop hitting me.  However, my father’s reaction as a result was to beat me black and blue with a broom but for the first time, I could see an escape, the open back door, (which was usually locked), so I ran, I ran as fast as I could to the outside world whilst bleeding and in pain/tears and I was free…

My neighbour, who I rarely saw, let alone spoke with, was outside gardening. He saw me, he saw me straight away and noticed that I was in pain, bloodied and abused.  He gave his hand and I accepted it. I was then in his garden and felt immediately safer here, despite only being in the garden next door.

My father had the look of sheer shock and despair, which I had never seen.  He went back inside the house and I would never see him.  My neighbour Harry was warming, something that I’d never felt, he offered me a soft drink and biscuits.  He gently asked what had happened and I explained with tears.  I remember Harry locking the doors in his house, he picked up the phone in the other room and then the next minute, the Police were there.  I was in shock, I was confused, but these new faces around me made me feel safe, made me feel that I could cry, talk and even be accepted without any fear or attacks.  I had never ever felt this.

I talked; I opened up about being in my bedroom for long periods, I told the police with guilt that I pinched clothes, milk and money from my mum.  They reassured me that I wasn’t in trouble. I felt I could trust these people and  began to open up further. The reassurance and acceptance they gave me enabled me to talk openly and so I did, lots and lots, about everything.  I stayed with Harry for two days. He was amazing.  I was finally in a home where I felt warm and safe, this added to my healing and gave me the ability to talk to and to trust Harry. Within that week, I was visited at Harry’s house, by a very caring and approachable man called Ken, a new Social Worker from Social Services. He was extremely friendly and nurturing and explained that I would now be supported.  At this point, I was overwhelmed with people around me now, treating me with normal and loving care. I wasn’t used to it.   Ken explained that I would be moving and that I would be living with a new family who would look after me.  I couldn’t believe this, I struggled to digest this information and felt new emotions with confusion. It was all very difficult for me to accept, but the overwhelming feeling was more of relief for the chance to start a new life which I had deeply craved.

I met with my new foster family, they were welcoming and warm towards me from day one, when I entered their house for the very first time with nerves and anxiety.  My new foster parents had two sons and a daughter, oh and a beautiful collie dog called Jade.  This was an alien world to me but I naturally knew this was safe and I absorbed the energy and feelings straight away.

We would all sit at the table every evening and eat dinner together. This too was new to me and extremely scary as before I would often eat dinner in my bedroom in isolation.  I was encouraged in every way in my new foster home with love and support and I started to blossom, I began to concentrate at school, I had hobbies for the first time and I had a purpose now as well as belief. 

I started to play football and cricket, encouraged by my supporting and loving foster father and joined my first Saturday football team at the age of 14.  I now felt confident getting changed in the changing rooms and I was able to make friends, but more importantly, I didn’t feel like the black sheep anymore.  This was because I had been invested in and loved.  From the care I received in my new home and without the troubled environment and battles that I fought against for so long, I began to feel that I could finally be the person I had wanted to be for so long.

My head teacher in my early years of secondary (before I went in to foster care), openly told me, (whilst in detentions), that I would be a failure and end up on the streets, due to my behaviour and performances at school.  These statements have also stayed with me throughout my life.  I opened up to my foster parents about this, as well as explaining to them the memories of my upbringing.  In my final year of foster care I achieved 7 GCSES at the age of 17 and proved to both my head teacher and my father that I am capable, that I do have the potential, that I am indeed not troubled and not a problem child.  It was purely the environment I was in.

All of my achievements were due to a change in my environment, and this was due to being invested in and loved by my social worker and my foster parents.  I wish I could see my head teacher now, as I’m writing this with a big smile on my face.

The next chapter and path in life for me, was at the age of 17 when I moved to a semi-independent living house with a landlord called Richard.  This was encouraged and supported by social services.  I never looked back from this new transition in my life.

Richard, who I only met with today as I’m writing this now, is an amazing man. A man with so much life experiences himself, who could see the potential that  I had to live independently, learn new life skills and obtain education and employment.  From day one of my tenancy, I got stuck in.  I applied for my first income with benefits.   I achieved college course applications on my own accord with Richard in the background supporting and encouraging me.  This was amazing for me. The setup I had with my own money, independence and the new beginning would give me more confidence than I could have imagined. I lived with Richard for three years and I achieved so much; learning to cook for myself, budgeting and gaining new life skills. I was given choices here and this was so important for me.  More importantly, Richard would invest his time in helping me, he would listen and show me patience, and with this approach we would often get to the root of my problems, identifying my triggers from my childhood and upbringing. 

This was extremely hard at times, there were tears, but we persevered and visited and revisited these issues again and again. When I was ready to explore and to open up, I did.  For me, each of these session where we sat down together got easier, I started to heal slowly and understand about my childhood and the behaviours within me.

The awareness of my triggers and behaviours was, and still is, crucial. There was no confusion anymore, there was more of an understanding.

After living with Rich for 4 years, I moved into my first ever flat with full independence. I had my first serious relationship, also during this time of transition. This was another learning curve for me and I encountered more new emotions and triggers.  I would also be successful in obtaining employment at this time and I served 14 year’s service with this employer.

Unfortunately I experienced bullying within my 1^st employment role for long periods. I was in my 20’s.  This was due to so many factors that were out of my control; namely myself being quiet and isolated, seen as an easy vulnerable target, having down days on a regular basis leading to being inconsistent with my work behaviour/work load (all again due to my mental health and environment I was faced with).

The struggles and experiences were a mixture of my own mental health suffering but also the limited support and understanding that both my employer and fellow employees had.  Mental Health awareness and mental health first aid training was non-existent back in the noughties.  The stigma associated with mental health at that time was massive and being in a male dominated environment also heightened this.  I felt that I had to just try and get on with it, suffer in silence. My mental health affected my work performance for so many years and again I was seen as a failure and problem.

I was even sent out to various office departments as nobody could accept or understand me.  I was not understood or listened to and my undeserved reputation would only enhance and in a vicious cycle would affect my childhood triggers and again my mental health would suffer.  My absence due to sickness at work was higher than any other employees and I would often be called in for a ‘back to work interview’ regularly, but due to the lack of understanding, there being no adjustment or awareness and despite me openly saying that the reasons were due to bullying and my environment etc. the cycle would continue.

It came to a point that my mind, my feelings and frustrations became too much.  I suffered a breakdown at the age of 32.   I was misunderstood, I wasn’t listened to, and I had exhausted all avenues and support that I tried to obtain.  I hit rock bottom and started to feel suicidal thoughts as a result.

I planned to take my life, I set my alarm clock for 4am, so I could be on my local high bridge and nobody could see me or save me.  I sat on the bridge for an hour or so.  This was the moment that somebody cycled past me and asked if I was ok. I didn’t reply as I felt a complete lack of focus and  non-existence. I felt lost.

The passer by sat with me, right by my side and gently asked “what’s going on?”, “I’m here to listen with no judgement”, he gently continued.  I looked at him and started to cry, I felt there was a safe place to open up and there and then and I let it all out.  He put his arm around me and I knew then that there was somebody there to listen and understand a little, giving me vital patience at the same time.  This was crucial for me at this moment.

Once the emergency services arrived I was taken to hospital.  I was supported and in the presence of the mental health support team and I finally had people around me that would understand and listen.

I quickly received long term counselling, funded by my employer’s Welfare Officer, Rachael. Rachael was amazing and the only person within the employment that I felt had the time of day for me.  I had 25 - 40+ sessions of counselling with an amazing counsellor with whom I felt comfortable with and had sustained a trusted relationship with throughout the sessions. There were tears and emotions.  Childhood trauma resurfaced, but what I experienced and learnt with the counselling and within myself, was that I was actually revisiting my childhood and reassuring the inner child within me.  I started to love my inner child and loving me again was reassuring.  This dearly helped and I started to understand myself, my triggers, my mental health and what I needed to do in self-care and for my mental health understanding.

I started to understand me, I started to accept that I have mental health issues, but more importantly, I started to talk and open up to people around me about this.  This, right here was my medicine.  Not the anti-depressants that were chucked at me for years and years.  These didn’t have any impact or improvement for me at all, despite giving these tablets time and motivation to see if this worked for me by my doctors.  The actual fact is, that understanding, acceptance and talking is my medicine - and to this day, as I am writing this to you, I believe in this still.

I eventually left my role within my employment, in fact they made me redundant, which was proven to be a massive turning point in my life.  I used this change as a new beginning.

This change of being made redundant came 5 years after my suicide attempt.  Since my recovery, my own mindset being in a better place and gaining an understanding, I decided that I wanted to give back and help others.  I achieved a level 4 in counselling CBT, so I can help myself further but also to use this qualification and life experiences to give back to the community and help other people.

In 2017, I was reading my local paper one evening and I could see that within that there had been two suicides within the same week in the city I live in.  The two men within that week, who had taken their lives had jumped off the same bridge on which I had also contemplated ending my life. This deeply saddened me and had me in tears. It touched me in so many ways.

Within that same week, I was jogging on that very bridge, close to where my Grandad lives, as I had been staying with him at the time.  I could see somebody on the bridge ready to jump.  I knew straight away as my instincts were telling me that I had to reach out.

I reached out calmly and reassuringly. This was the same as when the gentleman approached me back in 2012 and I mirrored the same situation for this person needing my help now.

We sat and talked for around 4 hours and I listened with no judgement.  This hit home for many reasons as you can understand and when I went home that night, I recorded a personal video for my Facebook friends on what I had seen. I detailed on the video what had happened, and how this hit home, but more importantly on the massive problem we have here in our society with mental health awareness and the stigma attached to men’s mental health (I even included my own issues from back in 2012).  There were 15 of my male friends online that evening who each, in turn reached out to me and stated privately how they were suffering in silence.  I was shocked.

It was from then on, I had the idea and the drive to step forward and put my feelings, experiences and ideas to the community. Somebody needed to talk publicly within my area, to open up publicly and to stand up for so many men and women about mental health suffering. Someone who would talk without any shame.

I contacted my local paper, who published these two tragic cases of suicide recently, asking if I could share my stories and experiences, but also informing them of my idea to setup a safe space for men to reach out and obtain help and support.  The local paper approved and interviewed me.

I wasn’t sure what the reaction to this would be, I wasn’t sure how this would go with the stigma, limited awareness and internet trolling etc., but the responses and reactions online were simply incredible. It made me even more determined from then on, to setup MalesAllowed. This would be a platform for men and women to obtain help, support and not feel alone by suffering in silence.

MalesAllowed has been in the community for nearly two years now.  The drive and idea has grown from strength to strength, with different ways and actions to raise awareness. This could be through our walk and talk group meets, to carpool mental health chats.  Guys are talking more and reaching out in many ways with the service and availability of MalesAllowed for the community. This has made me so proud.

MalesAllowed have reached out to so many people, and MalesAllowed will continue to thrive and grow with awareness and support from the community. We have an amazing team of volunteers,  all with real life experiences of mental health issues.

We speak with people in schools, colleges and group meets and talk about prevention awareness and experiences, this is very much therapy, but what I have found recently is that we can’t pour from an empty cup. That doesn’t work and it isn’t fair on us or the people we support.

We have to self-care, change our environment, and recognise that we need to have a commitment to ourselves to keep us well and in control.  I know this all too well as I found this out very recently.

I am a devoted father and I love spending time with my Grandad also.  My advice is to cherish new memories that you make and to use your family and friends for support.  If you’re struggling in your workplace, or even in the changing rooms for your sports team, have a conversation about it - reach out.  Suffering in silence is deadly and this will only create a build-up of emotions and triggers (old and new).

The stigma is breaking, and with social media and so many organisations like MalesAllowed, people are talking more. Workplaces are introducing Mental Health First-aiders, so people like myself that had limited support and help can now go somewhere for help and a safe space to talk. 

There is a long way to go of course, and we all keep going, but the more we all continue to be kind to each other, and the more awareness and interaction we have with one and other, (if it’s your friends and family), the more we can all reach out and prevent people from suffering in silence, if it’s at home, a work place or even a social meet.

I find that family time is my positivity and motivation.  I am very close to my Grandad and my son and this makes me happy. We need to hold onto what we enjoy doing.  I love walks, I love sports, so I participate in these hobbies also but with baby steps if things are a bit tough.

If you are struggling and having a bad day, week or month, then please have a good assessment of yourself, find in yourself what you like doing, what makes you feel good.  It could be walking, seeing a certain friend that you feel happy with, or even cooking some good food. It’s important to love ourselves and to find in our environment something that makes us feel happy and content. 

Maybe you could try a new hobby or physical activity, that you can look forward to.  Another thing I like doing is keeping a diary and a ‘to do list’, this can enable you to plan your week in moderation, to your own speed and setting.  It doesn’t have to be much, don’t pressure yourself here, you make the list and diary realistic and achievable for yourself. This will help you.

I achieve this everyday within my own time and moderation and it works.  We need goals in our lives and things to look forward to, but sometimes with our mental health we think too much, analyse too much and we often lose the positivity within ourselves and in turn can easily resort back to the negativities and blurriness within our mindset and environment.

I hope this blog, background and the reasoning of why I campaign for mental health sheds some light with you and I dearly hope my advice and support can help you or anyone you may know. 

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My Email: Thompson8018@gmail.com

IT’S OK NOT TO BE OK