This Philosopher-in-Residence has invested some time pondering the ways in which we use and intend “convenience” of late.

Convenience has the esteemed honour of getting a namecheck in an abundance of stock names and phrases. Convenience store, at your earliest convenience, when mutually convenient, a convenient time to call. Here at MMAP HQ, we like the idea of smooth and successful plans and we despise redundant or forced meaning.

So this fortnight, I’m grading convenience colloquialisms for their convenience credentials. Try saying that at your convenience, plankind!

Convenience store

Open all hours: score 10/10

Open regularly: score 8/10

Never quite sure when it’s open: score 4/10

At your earliest convenience

Genuinely urgent: score 8/10 (2 marks deducted for not just saying soon or scoring a rare appropriate use of the email high importance marker)

Needs attention fairly soon: score 6/10

Posturing for position/demanding it now for the sake of it: score -5/10

When mutually convenient

Genuine range of options: score 10/10

Expressing flexibility between a couple of options: score 8/10

Pretending to care and padding out an email: score 2/10

A convenient time to call

If used to sincerely express the sentiment: 10/10 for effort, 1 in approx. 1,000,000 for rarity factor

If used as a general fairly asinine platitude: 5/10

If used to try and nick some time you don’t have to sell you something you don’t want: -100/10

Next fortnight, I’ll be musing On Elysium. Please get in touch with any particular aspects of this topic you’d like me to write about.

In the meantime,

Happy Planning