After the events of the last few days, it seemed like a good time to talk about grief.  

For some of us, the death of Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth may feel like a huge bereavement in itself.  For others, it may have brought up new feelings of grief for our own lost loved ones. I know for many, even those who wouldn’t generally describe themselves as royalists, the coming weeks might be difficult to navigate.  A lot has changed in a short space of time.  Someone who has been a constant for the entirety of most of our lives has died.  

Grief can manifest in as many different ways as there are people.  It’s normal to feel angry but it’s also normal to feel numb, or to suddenly remember a happy memory and laugh.  Sometimes, grief surprises us.  We can lose a relative and feel very little, only to be crushed by the death of a pet.  Sometimes we can wake up in the morning, and for two seconds feel completely normal, before the realisation hits us again.  Grieving can also be exhausting, both physically and mentally.  Many people find they’re sleeping more than usual, and your quality of sleep can change.  There isn’t a particular way you go through grief; everyone’s journey is different. 

However you find yourself going through this process, it’s important to remember that our feelings are never something to be ashamed of, even if they’re not what we expected.  And this includes if you find yourself feeling absolutely nothing, too.  Most people find that, over time, their grief diminishes, and life becomes manageable, then enjoyable, again.  However, there may always be one day or season that is more difficult than others, whether that’s a significant anniversary, or because of other memories or emotions attached to the time.  Learning when these periods are for you, or a bereaved loved one, can aid in putting support tools in place to make them easier.

There are many different options available to support you through difficult times.  As always, I’d recommend talking through with friends and family members first if you feel able.  Although sometimes it can feel like you’re burdening people with your own feelings, the people who love you will want to help.  If you’re finding that recent events are causing you to reflect on a deceased loved one more than usual, you may find it helpful to talk through your memories with someone else who knew them.  Maybe you could suggest an activity together that you previously enjoyed with the person.

If you want to talk things through with someone neutral, or you are unable to talk to friends and family for whatever reason, there are a number of free bereavement helplines available which I will leave at the bottom of this article.  Whatever you choose to do, please don’t try to repress your feelings, or feel that they’re somehow less valid if a long time has passed since your bereavement.  Sometimes feelings don’t work like that, and that’s OK.  

If you’re someone who has found themselves unaffected by the events of this week, it might be difficult to understand why others are grieving a person they may have never met, or why events are triggering certain memories or emotions in people.  Although it may be tempting to make light of the situation, or question others on why they’re feeling the way they are, just remember to be kind, and remember that we can’t always explain why we feel a certain way, but that doesn’t make feeling it any less valid.  

As a final thought on grieving and bereavement, I know that, in a world where people increasingly die in hospitals rather than at home, the concept of death is made more frightening by being unfamiliar.  Dr Kathryn Mannix, a consultant who has worked in Palliative Medicine for 30 years, has written a wonderful book called ‘With the End in Mind’, which aims to remove the taboo around what she calls ‘normal dying’.  In it, she explains the process of dying in a gentle, easy to understand way and tells the stories of normal people’s lives and deaths.  Although this might sound like a difficult read, I promise it is a beautifully written, uplifting, and I highly recommend it.

Samaritans: 116 123

Cruse Bereavement Helpline: 0808 808 1677

Dr Kathryn Mannix: With the End in Mind: Death, dying and wisdom in an age of denial.